Finally a post!
I know, I haven't posted in FOREVER. Well, my computer got turned off and when it got turned back on, it didn't want to connect to the internet. Then my monitor burned out. I finally got a monitor and today finally did a system restore to the computer and here I am! Stupid computer.
So I know my life could be worse off, but lately it's been hard for me. CJ's birthday was the 19th of June and we did have a party, *thank you all that helped me do that!* but my mother never called. She didn't send a card, she didn't call, nothing. She still hasn't called. I'm kinda wondering if someone DIED and they didn't think to call me. So I've been turning that over and over in my mind, letting it fester, and wondering when she'll call me.
The other thing is that we have a new addition to the Bartlett Gang, Colton. He's beautiful and I love him, but he makes me heart ache so badly for what I can no longer have. I cannot tell you how many times I've PLEADED with the Lord to give me one more baby. Just one. Then I get my answer every month, a bloody reminder that I'm forever barren.
And the last thing is that my brother-in-law is getting married soon, so him and his fiance's getting ready for it and no matter how happy I am for them, it hurts that I've been cheated out of so much. And I hate myself for it. I want them to have a wonderful wedding, and I feel like I'm totally depressing them because I'm depressed. I AM SO SORRY! I love you guys and want you to have a totally wonderful wedding and reception and life. I'm just really sensitive about the subject. AND IT TOTALLY DOES NOT HELP THAT I'M ON MY PERIOD.
Oh, and then I have my regular stresses like having an autistic child around the clock along with a very willfull two-year old, and living paycheck to paycheck, and you know, the whole list goes on and on. So if I've been depressed around you lately, I'm SORRY!!!! I really don't want to spread my mood everywhere, and I hope it hasn't affected you guys too much. I am bipolar you know!
Hopefully my computer won't get turned back off anytime soon and will continue to work so maybe I can write a POSITIVE blog.
Just remember I love you all!
Ang
So I know my life could be worse off, but lately it's been hard for me. CJ's birthday was the 19th of June and we did have a party, *thank you all that helped me do that!* but my mother never called. She didn't send a card, she didn't call, nothing. She still hasn't called. I'm kinda wondering if someone DIED and they didn't think to call me. So I've been turning that over and over in my mind, letting it fester, and wondering when she'll call me.
The other thing is that we have a new addition to the Bartlett Gang, Colton. He's beautiful and I love him, but he makes me heart ache so badly for what I can no longer have. I cannot tell you how many times I've PLEADED with the Lord to give me one more baby. Just one. Then I get my answer every month, a bloody reminder that I'm forever barren.
And the last thing is that my brother-in-law is getting married soon, so him and his fiance's getting ready for it and no matter how happy I am for them, it hurts that I've been cheated out of so much. And I hate myself for it. I want them to have a wonderful wedding, and I feel like I'm totally depressing them because I'm depressed. I AM SO SORRY! I love you guys and want you to have a totally wonderful wedding and reception and life. I'm just really sensitive about the subject. AND IT TOTALLY DOES NOT HELP THAT I'M ON MY PERIOD.
Oh, and then I have my regular stresses like having an autistic child around the clock along with a very willfull two-year old, and living paycheck to paycheck, and you know, the whole list goes on and on. So if I've been depressed around you lately, I'm SORRY!!!! I really don't want to spread my mood everywhere, and I hope it hasn't affected you guys too much. I am bipolar you know!
Hopefully my computer won't get turned back off anytime soon and will continue to work so maybe I can write a POSITIVE blog.
Just remember I love you all!
Ang
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